Dear Ignorant Ass,

So last night you scaled a six foot fence and broke into my car.  I suppose I could congratulate you on the extent of the bounty resulting from your daring raid, but the problem is… you probably don’t know how to use half the stuff you carted off.

I’m not really sure how you decided that there was a car worth breaking into on the other side of my fence; we all get lucky.  But let me see if I have this right:  You…

1. Roamed the city, in the rain, looking for loot to plunder;
2. Climbed a six foot fence between an old woman’s house and my building;
3. Landed in a muddy patch behind a rolling dumpster;
4. Ran, (perhaps, skulked?) across my lit parking lot;
5. Inserted a screwdriver into the channel of my window;
6. Lifted forcibly, thus shattering it into a jillion pieces without setting off the alarm;
7. Traipsed mud across my seat as you clambered in;
8. Began to toss my belongings around like tissue paper.

In all, you stole:

• Two leather jackets
• $30 cash (my emergency gas money)
• 24 port Ethernet switch
• Charging cables for my phone (which wasn’t there)
• Bluetooth speaker phone
• A Cerner-specific device (which I really needed you not to steal)

Forgive my foolishness; I thought my car would be safe from people like you behind a fence.  I know better now.  But, I must ask: do you have any idea how to use even half of the items you stole?  The Cerner device is locked, the Bluetooth speakerphone has a pairing code, the charging cables are worthless without the devices, and… do you even know what a 24 port Ethernet switch DOES?!?

You ignorant waste of my time and space.  Next time, knock on my door… I’ll give you the $200 it costs me to replace my window.